A summarized version of the story goes something like this: Nelson, a mother of three children, had gotten off at a bus stop across the street from her home in Georgia. “Nelson’s apartment complex sits across the street from the bus stop, but the nearest crosswalk is three-tenths of a mile away.” She crossed the first lanes of the street and waited in the median for traffic to subside so she could cross. When her 4 year old son saw others crossing the road, he let go of her hand and ran into the road. She followed after him along with her other two daughters.

In comes Jerry Guy who has had a) two prior convictions of hit and runs. B) is mostly blind in one eye. And c) admitted to having drank alcohol and taken painkillers before getting behind the wheel of his car.

Guy’s car collides with Nelson’s 4 year old son and (may he RIP) he died. Guy got off with 6 months in jail for his hit-and-run while the mother of the deceased child could face up to 3 years in prison for jaywalking.

First and foremost, why in God’s name did the state of Georgia decide to prosecute a woman grieving over her son’s death for jaywalking and homicide merely weeks after the shock?

In interviews, one of the first questions she is asked is “why did you jaywalk?” People who disagree with the prosecution and the conviction are always quick to start the sentence off with “yeah she was at fault, but still…”

At fault for what?! For the death of her son? The only person, as far as I see it, who was responsible for the death of her son was Guy. Yet the blame and the heavy jail sentence is being put on the shoulders of Nelson. Her family just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Yeah jaywalking is a crime. But imagine yourself in her shoes! You have been out and about with three little children. You missed your bus and pulled up across the street from your apartment when it’s dark outside. You are carrying groceries and clutching your children’s hands. Your apartment is right across the street but the nearest crosswalk is three-tenths of a mile away. For all the judgments that are being hurled at her, not one of the people sitting on their self-righteous horses would have walked the 3/10 of a mile just so they could cross the street “lawfully” and then walk the 3/10 of a mile back to their house!

The qualifier we should be adding in front of our statements should be “he should not have been driving half blind, drunk, and on painkillers!” As a matter of fact, the better qualifer should be “After being convicted of two hit and runs, he should not have been behind the wheel of a damn car!”

 But no. Guy gets off with six months while Nelson faces homocide convictions. Really now? Really?!

Don’t we think she has enough to deal with already that we need to add possibly losing three years with the two children she has left? Becoming a parent is hard and scary—you always wonder if you’ll do right by your kids. You always try to protect them from harm and you’re always afraid of the huge responsibility of their lives that are on your shoulder. Don’t you think that if she had known the consequences of the night, she would have walked to the moon and back rather than crossing the street at that second? Where do we got off prosecuting her of homofreakingcide?

And no, her case does not point out the harmfulness of jaywalking! What it points out is the harmfulness of having drivers like Guy on the road! Children run across streets. Children let go of hands. That’s what they do! She has her own internal guilt to live with for the rest of her life so where do we get off, as a public who has not said two kind words to her, judging and condoning her or even daring to call her a bad parent for the decision she made that every last one of us would have made had we been in her position!

Now comes the most important fact in this case that I have yet to mention: Raquel Nelson is Black and she was convicted by an all-white jury who had admitted to never having taken/relied on public transportation. In an interview on the Today show, Nelson also stated that she doubted any of the members of the jury were single mothers or understood where she was coming from.

When you have a jury who admits to never having to rely on public transportation of walking in order to get from one place to another, you know they don’t understand squat about Nelson’s situation. To someone who isn’t a single mother and who has access to a car, it makes no sense why someone to “risk the life of their child” in order to do something so silly and incriminating as jaywalk. But for those of us who do rely on public transportation and who do use walking as the sole means of getting from one place to another, her choice to jaywalk was legitimately the only sane choice in the scenario.

Beyond priviledgeism:

In a country where the jury lets Casey Anthony walk away when every. half brained dimwit with access to Wikipedia could tell that she was G-U-I-L-T-Y, but convicts a mother whose family happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time with homocide, it is about racism.

I wish I could formulate this thought more substantially because what I have to say just sounds whiny but is nevertheless 100% true: if Nelson had been a White woman, she would probably not be facing charges of homocide.

 But even more importantly, when someone says that the jury was “all-white” and if the defendant happens to be non-white, you just know shit isn’t going to end well. It’s not about a race being inherently more racist or anything of such. But what it is about is this idea that has been ingrained in us so deeply that it almost is inherent—and the idea is that rule/law following is good but people of color are not very good at following the law, are uneducated, and generally can’t make good decisions for themselves.

In a country where impartial jurors are supposed to decide the fates of the accused, it is crucial to note that the jurors are never impartial. Every juror comes in with certain pre-conceived notions about the parties involved even when they know nothing about the case. When they a woman, they channel certain stereotypes; when they see someone of a particular religion, sexual orientation, class, etc., they channel certain stereotypes.

And with America’s long and complicated history with racism, no juror is color-blind. Every person sitting in the jury has some pre-conceived stereotypes about the accused, which they have come to know as facts. These “facts” lead us to see things in a different light.

A 30 year old mother goes on a shopping trip with her 9, 4, and 3 year olds because the next day is her birthday. Through a series of events, her son ends up in the middle of street just when a twice-convicted hit and run driver who is blind in one eye, has been drinking alcohol, and is on painkillers is driving through. But she is the one who is placed on a pedestal for the world to judge.

As if losing a child isn’t bad enough. As if dealing with survival guilt/parental guilt isn’t bad enough.  She now finds out how much time she will be spending in jail, away from her family and away from her two little children.

We’re just such a screwed up, judgmental bunch of people.

Our parents are people who uprooted their established lives in their homeland, left behind all that they knew and all that they loved, and moved to a country whose language they did not understand, whose people they had never seen before, and whose culture they could not grasp, all because they wanted to give their children the opportunity of growing up and getting educated in America.

Since immigration to America is such a norm, such a dream, it’s hard to see my parents’ decision to move here a sacrifice. But I try to imagine having children, whom I will love more than life itself. I imagine living in a future where America ceases to be the land of opportunity and instead, the title starts belonging to, for example, Germany. Would I have the courage, the strength, the willingness to leave behind the country I call home, where I understand the language, the politics, the culture, the people, the system, and move to Germany where I would have to learn everything from scratch?

I see my dad sometimes, so tired from work, so exhausted, and the sacrifices that are his life just take my breath away. He was almost 46 years old on the fated day the letter came that we had won the lottery to come to America. He had a house, which he had spent years building. A house where he saved and worked for each brick and where he laid and sweated for each layer to come together. It wasn’t a house he had paid money to buy. It was a dream he had physically and emotionally spent his life building. He had a job where he had respect, a job he knew the ins and outs of. He had a circle of friends who loved him and whom he loved. He had brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews all close by who were an integral part of his life. He had the izzat, the respect of the people where he lived. No one disregarded him; no one scoffed at his name; he was someone whose name was said in awe.

But he left all that. But not just left, he burned all the bridges to Pakistan. He sold his house, quit his job, took his money out of the bank, packed everything away—and he moved to a country he knew nothing about. He worked at menial jobs–at dangerous factories, at places that, in Pakistan, would have been beneath him and the education he had.

He couldn’t understand the English they spoke here. His degree, which meant something in Pakistan, was insignificant here. At mid-age, he was starting from scratch. But he didn’t have the luxury of experimenting, of searching, or finding a job that would have suited him. He had 5 other mouths to feed so he took whatever he could get and he stuck with it because he didn’t have the luxury of spending time training or going to school.

Today, I look at him and it’s staggering the amount of pain he has seen in his life. On one fated day when he had a conversation with me about what happened in Saudi Arabia when my mom died during a Stampede that took place during Hajj of 1994, it really hit home that I will never be half as strong as he is. He spent days searching hospital after hospital, dead body after dead body, looking for her. He was, again, in a country where he knew no one, where chaos was the name of the game during Hajj season, and he had to bury his wife and the mother of his two children.

He has been the father to a cerebral palsy’ed daughter. He has watched other people have healthy, perfectly normal children, but still loved his daughter more than the world. He grew up in a country where no one would have faulted him had he scoffed at the fact that his first two children were girls. But to my knowledge, he has done his best to not let there be any differentiation between men and women. He always, always wanted me to be a doctor. Big dreams–dreams that were never mine since medicine is not my thing—but dreams that many fathers were not dreaming for their daughters. He isn’t “liberal”–but he was liberal enough to let me go to school all the way in Boston—A 7 hour flight away from California. I’m not saying it didn’t take fights to win the battle to go to school so far away. But in the end, he let me go. And he let me go happily. It’s not something many men in my family would have done. But he did.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in the faults of our parents, that we fail to see that they literally live their lives for us. My dad, for how hard he works, never buys anything for himself. He maaaaay buy a new pair of sandals when his old ones start ripping from the seams. But that’s where it ends. If I ask him for 20 dollars, he’ll hand me a 100, even when it takes him hours to earn that much. He won’t buy anything for himself, but the second his sister or his nephews, or anyone else needs anything, he’ll send more than they asked over.

Whenever I think of the person I’m going to marry, I always pray that he doesn’t have my dad’s anger. In fact, I pray that in terms of anger, he is the complete opposite of my dad–that he is someone who never gets angry and is always calm and anger isn’t a word in his vocabulary. But then, in terms of everything else, I hope he is everything that my father is…but I don’t think anyone like him quite exists. Someone so selfless, so caring, so hardworking, so loving—they don’t make men like that anymore.

However much way I twist it, my cousin is right. I’m not even remotely near half as strong as my parents.

You get called back to the real world by a whistle. A random whistle from a random man on the street that is directed at you.

You blink and look over. He says “Hey there slut!” or “Looking good slut” or “Your sluttiness is staggering, slut”

I don’t know about you, but I would, under no circumstance, find the association of the word “slut” with me a compliment. Far from it in fact. It would be an insult.

As with most things in life, I have a clear and unwavering stance against the sensationalized “SlutWalks” that are gripping the world yet I can see why women are flocking to them. It is infuriating that a police officer dared utter the idea that if women don’t want to get raped, they should stop dressing like sluts. It gets people’s blood boiling, as it should. It gets mine too. I’m fervently against any form of victim blaming. My roommate always says this and I want to reiterate the concept here: “I don’t give a flying fuck if I’m standing on the street corner naked, selling my shit for two cents. If I don’t offer myself to you, I’m not yours to take” Victim blaming in terms of rape is definitely something to take a stance against, but not by participating in “SlutWalks”

As a feminist, I believe the word “slut” is sexist and it has connotations that are seriously based in sexism. In today’s world, “slut” means a woman who is “easy.” How does society determine whether you are a woman who is available to offer sexual services to any Tom, Dick, and Harry? By the way you dress, by the number of sexual partners you have, by the friends you associate with, by the amount of alcohol you consume, by the number of male friends you have, etc. The term “slut” ignores the fact that women are complex human beings with complicated personalities, pasts, choices, and relationships. But rather, it focuses on one mundane fact about the woman and presumes to know her entire being.

The term “slut” is not one to celebrate. “Slut” isn’t a word that women can reclaim because it was never our word to begin with. As a woman, I will never consider being called a “slut” anything other than an insult. Pictures from SlutWalks with women carrying signs that say “Proud Slut” make me cringe. While the police officer’s comment was definitely victim blaming, it was also labeling a woman who on one occasion was wearing what HE deemed as too revealing a “slut.” He is insinuating that dressing a certain way on a certain day means you are shouting to the world that you are an “easy” woman with no dignity. How can a word that boxes women up into a morally condemning space based on the choices that she makes be one that feminists want to “take back”?! Especially since there is no male equivalent for the word! (I dare you to have the audacity to say that “player” is a male equivalent for “slut”). Furthermore, society especially men, are the ones who decide who is a slut and who isn’t–not the so-called “sluts” themselves. Society gauges women’s behaviors and deems them “sluts.” You, as a woman, have nothing to do with getting the label. You, in this sense as well, do not own the label. It isn’t yours to give to yourself which is all the more reason to denounce it rather than attempt to “reclaim” it. 

We should fight victim blaming; and that’s what the people participating in SlutWalks intend to do. But there is a larger battle at stake. 

By participating in SlutWalks you may be bringing awareness to victim-blaming. But you are also losing something. Yes you have a right to walk around dressed in next to nothing and expect to not get raped. But you also have the right to walk around dressed in next to nothing and have people not label you a derogatory term that makes assumptions about your sexual past, present, future, availability, and integrity.

The image of women parading around in suggestive/barely-there/playboy clothing with the label of “sluts” isn’t something new. We are bombarded with such images in the popular media. This idea of hyper-sexualized women willing to do anything for men is the heart and soul of most music videos. The last thing the feminist movement needs is well meaning women playing the same stereotype out in the streets. Girls grow up watching and hearing their favorite artists calling them “hoes,” “bitches,” and “sluts.” As women, we have a tough job of dealing with the dominant stereotypes created by men about our sexuality. It muddles the field and blurs lines that should otherwise be crystal clear when these same stereotypes are further perpetuated under the guise of feminism and for the purpose of empowering the victims of rape.

I understand that the intentions behind the Walks are noble. I really do get it. I get how women may feel it would be empowering to “own” the word; to walk around their cities “owning” the term slut. But some words are not meant to be owned; they are meant to be fought.

Fight the mentality that you are an object.

Fight the mentality that your sexuality is society’s business.

Fight the mentality that your appearance says anything about you.

Fight the label that assumes it knows you.

Fight the label that has ruined girls’ self-esteem and lives worldwide.

Fight against victim blaming. But also fight for your right to be you. Fight for your complexity, your intelligence, your choices, your sexuality, your freedom. 

I’m not a slut. Neither are you. Fight whoever dares label you as one–even if that someone is well-meaning feminists.

“AOA- I am looking your snaps, from more then a year, your pictures are really good, you smile is so so cute, i wanted to have a friendship with you, Would you Marry With my brother, We are Living in Pakistan, at D.G.Khan, He is working in a Multinational Bank,

and he is also good like you, would you marry with him?”

OH mannn…..I’m torn. One part of me feels like I should be honored. Some girl who has never met me, and essentially has no clue who I am, thinks I’m worthy of her brother just by seeing my pictures. But on another hand, I can’t help but laugh and pessimistically believe that the only reason she believes me “worthy” is because I’m from America and can possibly be her brother’s ticket here. Either way—-it was an entertaining message to wake up to so I thought I’d share.

I have blogged about my sister before,  but not quite in detail. Her name is Maryam and she is going to be 18 years old next month. She was born with Celebral Palsy, epilepsy, and a severe handicap. She can neither walk, nor can she talk, or sit up by herself, or move by herself. Before I go on, I want to reiterate a sentiment that was expressed in Little Bee: Sad words are another beauty. It sounds horrible when you read all this without ever having gotten to know Maryam. It sounds horrible that there is an 18 year old girl out there who can not walk, talk, sit, stand, eat by herself, go to bed by herself, or use the bathroom by herself.

The handicaps are all people see when they meet her. The Pakistani aunties tsk tsk at the fact that she will never get married.  People see her, sigh really loud, and say “Allah rahem karay” or “Bus Allah baksh de.” Sometimes, I wonder exactly who they are asking Allah to “baksh” but all that is a story for another day. Point is, people see her and from their faces, their expressions, their words, one would swear they have gone into the deepest darkest depression just by seeing her. Like she is the bringer of sadness in their lives and her mere presence has managed to suck the happiness out of their lives.

But she is not sadness. She is beauty. Tariq talks about how it takes him 3 hours and two people to get out of the bed in the morning. So people ask him, what is the point? What is a point of such an existence? People indirectly question my sister’s existence when they meet her too. She can’t tell anyone when she is in pain. She can’t ask for food when she is hungry. She can’t get up and walk out of the house to get air. She can’t do the simplest things that we never think twice about being able to do. But there is a point.

The point isn’t finish lines or goals. Tariq will probably never be a heavy weight boxing champion like he dreamed. But he did become the first Pakistani to participate in an NYC marathon. He did become the person to bring inspiration and hope to so many. He did prove that perseverance and determination has a place in life. He is an example of the possibilities of life–some good, some bad.

Maryam is something similar. No, she will never reach the finish line of getting married and having kids which most aunties who meet her seem to think is a girl’s finish line. She is so, so, so, so beautiful that she would have eaten all the boys’ hearts out and left these same aunties gasping for breath had she been “normal.”

Tariq talks about not having any regrets. People look at me as if I’m insane when I say the same. I have no regrets for how Maryam is. She actually wasn’t genetically born with Celebral Palsy. The gynecologist at CMH Multan forced labor merely two hours after my mom’s water broke without monitoring the baby’s vitals or stress level. Her condition is, as far as anyone knows, the fault of the doctor. Have I found it in my heart to forgive the doctor? No, not yet. It maddens me that she is still a doctor in Multan, living life with her children her husband (I’m speculating–I know nothing about her personal life) while she took my sister’s future away from her. I haven’t forgiven her yet, but I’m trying my best to move towards forgiveness.

But although I’m mad, I have no regrets. Having Maryam in my life has taught me so much about love, beauty, courage, laughter. It has taught me that a person can convey so much through just a smile, a laugh, a cry, or just a look. It has brought into perspective the idea that “love is patient.” I wish my mom was alive to see who Maryam has grown up to be. No she hasn’t changed the world and neither will she probably ever. But she has changed my world. She is such a beautiful little girl who is so intelligent, so kind. When she senses that someone is feeling sick or sad, she’ll learn over from her wheelchair and clumsily pat their head. Where did she learn to do that? Does she even know what that means? I don’t know. But in her own way, she wants to make you feel better when you are down.

Most people don’t think twice about having a sister. It’s normal. It’s annoying. It’s life. But for me, it is such a miracle that people have sisters who they can share clothes with, who they can gossip with, who they can fight with. So when Tariq says that we must remember that we have blessings in our lives that others will never have–I know what he means. But I also know what he means about no regrets.

On the surface, many things look beautiful but on the inside, they are empty. On the other hand, many stories seem so sad. A guy jumps in a pool and is paralyzed for the rest of his life. Yes–that is extremely sad. He glossed over the details in his 20 something minute talk, but I can imagine how frustrating life must seem sometimes. But behind the sadness, there is beauty. There is courage. There is inspiration.

I wish people met Maryam with a smile on their faces and a desire to get to know her, instead of shaking their heads and talking about Allah’s wrath. Yeah, life sucks. But behind all the suckiness, there is also love, hope, and faith.

Live beyond the finish line. And defy all odds. And smile while you’re doing it.

Trauma and the Black Community

By: Nida Javed

            It was the day after President Obama informed the world “The United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden.” Statuses on facebook changed at the speed of light; some reflected on patriotic sentiments, and others questioned the United States’ future in the Middle East. One status, however, was deviant from the norm. It read: “Proof that Obama IS black…he finally killed someone!” This status was ‘liked’ by seven people.

If I was to ask any of these eight people the blatant question, “Are you racist,” my bet is that the unanimous answer would be “no.” Yet there is a racist framework that the status is referencing. And this framework seems to suggest that being Black means possessing a killer gene. There has been much contention in the media since President Obama’s election regarding whether he is truly the first “Black” president since he is half White, as Reverend Dyson humorously put in his talk at Boston College in 2011:“we [Blacks] can’t even get a whole President! We only get half!” The facebook status suggests that by carrying out an operation to kill a terrorist, President Obama has finally put the issue to rest regarding his race since only a Black man would kill someone. Such behavior would be out of the norm for a White man.

Racism not Race: Overview

The mainstream American society puts enormous weight on the concept of “race.” There are prevalent misconceptions that the larger public, regardless of education level or economic background, possesses about race. There is this idea that a whole “race” is programmed to adhere to certain stereotypes: She is smart because she is Asian; He dropped out of high school because he is Black.

In this paper, I argue that race is not a reality, but rather a social construct. What is a reality, however, is racism. America’s long and complicated history with racism toward African Americans has resulted in a society that is far from equal and alive with prejudices and injustices. But the traditional definition of trauma, as noted by Spanierman and Poteat (2005), states that racist incidents are more in line with the notion of trauma only when they “are overt and distinct events experienced directly by an individual” (Bryant-Davis and Ocampo 2005:574). In this paper, I explore the question ‘what is trauma?’ I argue that covert racism and institutionalized racism compound the trauma suffered by Black females who are victims of either domestic violence or sexual assault where the perpetrator is a Black man. In addition, I hope to highlight that these additional traumas of domestic violence and sexual assault actually display on a silver platter the trauma the community suffers from institutionalized racism. Moreover, I use the guiding question ‘Is trauma primarily a personal or social phenomenon?’ to explore how racism relates to trauma in the Black community.

Racism, not Race: A History

Race is a socially constructed reality. In fact, “the concept of race itself is a product of a racist world view” (Bryant-Davis and Ocampo 2005:577). In the sixteenth century when Europeans arrived in Africa, they coined the term “Black” which was “used to describe the dark complexion of Africans” thus solidifying “the image of Africans as the other” (McGruder 2010:104). Science sought to explain racial differences between non-Europeans and the “others” thus establishing racial superiority. An example is the European assessment of African sexuality as wild and uncontrollable due to the lack of clothing worn by the Africans—because naturally, limited apparel had to mean “lack of modesty rather than a concession to the tropical climate” (McGruder 2010:104). Conclusions were drawn that the African’s wild sexual appetites made sense as there is both a physical and biological link between Africans and the wild animals of Africa—especially the ape (McGruder 2010).

One must not be under the misconception that such links between race and racism are a thing of the past. A mainstream example that may seem insignificant is that a substantial majority in America refers to all Blacks as “African Americans.” While there are a plethora of excuses out there as to why this is the case, it does not change the fact that we assign a continent to all people if they portray a certain skin color ignoring the fact that they may be Haitian American, Jamaican, or that there family has been in America for so long that they are just from Detroit with no connection to Africa. But God forbid there be a suggestion out there that someone who looks anything other than White may be just American without a qualifier in front.

Calling all Blacks ‘African Americans’ also has real life consequences in breading ignorance. Bvonstyle.com featured Naomi Campbell’s spread “Wild Things” where she is shown running with the cheetah in a cheetah print-barely-there-outfit, jumping ropes with a monkey, and riding a crocodile and an elephant. A commenter on the website posted the following comment: “How can photographs of a beautiful black woman in her beautiful homeland be considered offensive to black people?” (Donna 2009). The fact that Campbell’s “beautiful homeland” happens to be London, England is a trivial fact when our society repeatedly informs us that if you are Black, you are African. This is a prime example of the “otherness” that the Black community faces in America in the 21^st century. They are never seen as from here (Europe, America).

So race is not a reality. Biologically, Naomi Campbell is not genetically different from Kate Middleton, the future Queen of Britain. Neither is she nationally different from any white woman from London, England. Yet racism gives credibility to the socially constructed concept of race which encourages us to believe that she is different because of her skin color. It is the ultimate “unreality of race; reality of racism” (Bryant-Davis, Ocampo 2008:577).

Racism not Race: Power and Oppression

Covert racist incidents and institutionalized racism create the social backdrop against which people of color must function day to day (Bryant-Davis, Ocampo 2008). When studying domestic violence, Anderson and Collins (2001) “distinguish a structural approach as requiring ‘analysis and criticism of existing systems of power and privilege; otherwise, understanding diversity becomes just one more privilege” for those with the resources and power (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005:39). The traditional feminist approach to domestic violence has been to focus on the common experiences of the victims as to create solidarity among the women thus forging a strong feminist movement to end woman abuse (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005). But considering that poor women of color are most likely to be in dangerous intimate relationships and dangerous social positions, there should be a push toward giving women who have been marginalized by the white middle class feminist movement a voice (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005). A look into structures of power and oppression is tremendously important as “regardless of where they live, African Americans live in the shadow of a history of segregation and hostility from a dominant white culture that even the poorest whites never experience” (Benson et al. 2000:339).

The intersections of power and oppression have serious consequences for the victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. For example, a Black woman may fear calling the police because if her perpetrator is also black, it will subject him to a racist treatment by the criminal justice system, not to mention confirm stereotypes of Blacks as violent (Sokoloff and Dupoint 2005).

Before I address the affect of trauma of racism on a victim of interracial assault, let’s look behind the trauma of a racist criminal justice system on the Black community. Tim Wise, a prominent White antiracist activist, stated in his talk at Boston College in 2011 that he worked as a community organizer for the public housing project in New Orleans in the mid 90s for fifteen month. He says that he saw fewer drugs in the fifteen months in public housing than on a typical weekend in his room in Tulane University. However, 52 percent of the people in correctional facilities for drug offenses are Black; Among federal prisoners, Black men account for 42 percent of those incarcerated on drug offenses. Blacks account for 62.7 percent of all drug offenders admitted in prison yet Blacks only comprise about 13 percent of all regular drug users in the United States! (Stephans 2010). Furthermore, it is estimated that there are five times as many White drug users as Black, but Black men are admitted to state prison for drug offenses at a rate 13.4 times greater than that of White men (Stephans 2010).

The creation of drug free zones was even more detrimental to the relationship between Black men, drugs, and prison because research shows that the zones tend to disproportionately impact urban and mainly Black communities (Stephan 2010). Overall, thirty-three percent of Black males between ages twenty and twenty-nine were either in jail, prison, or parole in 1995. Ten percent of all the Black males in their twenties and early thirties are in prison or jail (Stephan 2010). When these individuals are released and returned to their communities, they have a hard time merging with the mainstream society. Prison reintegration is hugely poblamatic given that the prisoners have spent long terms behind bars and are ill prepared for life outside of prison. Moreover, they have difficulty obtaining and sustaining employment and reconnecting with their families (Stephans 2010). So it isn’t hard to see why Black communities are unwilling to turn in their men to the prison system. Once they go in, there is a good chance they will go back again for repeat offenses considering the lack of adequate integration systems.

Looking back in history, before the death penalty for rape was ruled unconstitutional in 1977, African American males were eighteen times more likely to be sentenced to death than the white men who were accused of committing rape (Holzman 1996). Even today, African American men accused of rape are far more likely to be arrested, convicted, and receive longer sentences than white men (Holzman 1996). Hence, there is a pressure on Black women who are raped by Black men to not turn them into the racial criminal justice system. Because for a Black woman, the trauma of racism is ever prevalent even when her own trauma of sexual assault is consuming her.

In “Dangerous Profiling” the authors argue, “these self regulating and self-policing policies create unhealthy and unnecessary boundaries of Blackness. As Black people try to uphold ‘purity’ and ‘morality,’ stigma becomes the central concern rather than the material effects of pain and suffering” (Tapia et al. 2005:134). While the authors are actually speaking of the relationship of HIV/AIDS with the Black community, the sentiment can be applied to the trauma of women in the Black community who have been victims of domestic violence or sexual assault. There is an understandable pull that the victims feel to protect their Black men. Instead of becoming a victim v. perpetrator battle, the female victim has to place her trauma within the context of Black v. White racial tensions.

Just as domestic violence relationships in a homosexual relationship must be viewed under the lens of a larger trauma of homophobia within our society, a domestic violence relationship in the Black community must be looked through the context of racism. Partners in lesbian relationships fear leaving the abusive relationships because they are afraid of facing negative responses by police, family members, religious institutions, social services, or battered women’s organizations (Sokoloff and Dupoint 2005). Similarly, women of color fear the responses of their communities and family members if they report their partner.

If Black women are able to overcome societal pressures, there is another confounding challenge facing them. The media is a socializing agent that shapes perceptions of a group’s behavior (Tatum 2010). People who are not part of, nor interact with, a particular group are likely to conceive notions about that particular group based on media’s portrayal (Tatum, 2005). The media hyper sexualizes Black women, thus leading the public to perceive them as promiscuous and wild sexualized beings. Moreover, African American women went through massive sexual exploitation under slavery; Slave owners had unlimited access to the female slaves and justified their exploitations by characterizing African American women as sexually promiscuous (Holzzman 1996). Thus, if a Black woman manages to convince the police that she is in fact a victim of domestic abuse/sexual assault (here she has to fight the stereotype that Black women are aggressive and that they are willing participants and prostitutes) she has to face a jury who is under a pre conceived notion that Black women are overly sexual. Since a woman’s sexual past is often used to establish credibility, the jurors and the larger public are far less likely to believe that the victim wasn’t “asking” for it. (McGuffey 2005). Stereotypical images are not something that a White victim of abuse has to consider. But if a stereotype exists about Black women, then it sticks to every single Black woman. While sociologists continue to reject the assumption that sexuality is biological, the “psuedoscientists” of the sixteenth century and the racism prevalent in our society has managed to overpower their research (Lee 2010)

The relationship of power and privilege with race creates disadvantages for the victims of violence in the Black community. It impedes their ability to get help because they constantly have to see their trauma within the social context of their race and gender. So to say that only overt racism is traumatic whereas stereotypes, institutionalized racism, and covert racism cannot be included in the traditional definition of trauma is not valid.

Racism not Race: The Pathology of White Privilege

The mainstream feminist movement suggests that domestic violence affects all women equally (Sokoloff and Dupoint 2005). But the fact remains that there is considerable empirical evidence to suggest that the most severe and lethal domestic violence does occur disproportionately in low-income women of color (Sokoloff and Dupoint 2005).

While the mainstream feminist movement attempts to create solidarity among all victims regardless of race, there is a certain perception through which White Americans view domestic violence that occurs within communities of color. When the victim of domestic violence is White, the immediate blame is laid on the perpetrator. When thinking objectively, it makes sense that the person to blame in a domestically violent relationship is the violent partner. So then why is it that when domestic violence occurs in communities of color, the White community lays instant blame on the culture rather than on the perpetrator? In cases of heterosexual domestic violence, Razack (1998) aptly asserts: “The fact that violence in immigrant communities is viewed as a cultural attribute rather than the product of male domination that is inextricably bound up with racism” (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005:47). Throughout this paper, I have mentioned at many points that women of color are disproportionately affected by severe domestic violence. Just re-iterating that fact is furthering the stereotype if the mainstream reads it non-critically. The implication the general public picks up on the statistics is that if they have more violence in their community than we do in ours therefore there must be something wrong with them. What is neglected is the need to look at these statistics through structural frameworks. For instance, many studies on intimate partner violence have found that if socioeconomic factors are controlled, then racial and ethnic differences in the rate of domestic violence largely disappear (Sokoloff and Dupoint 2005). So when we look at the disproportionate level of domestic violence in the Black community, it is crucial to ask why? Let’s work backwards: If a low socioeconomic factor is a strong indicator of the prevalence of domestic violence in a community, then that means that race is not as important a factor as socioeconomic status perhaps. But wait—Classism and Racism are interlinked. There is high and extreme levels of poverty in the Black community, thus, domestic violence is strong in the Black community but not because the community is Black but rather because the community is poor.

Well, now the argument for race comes in stating that since people of color are disproportionately poor, it must be because they don’t work hard. So if people of color have higher domestic violence rates, it is their own fault because if they worked hard enough, they wouldn’t be in the socioeconomic category that puts them at risk for high rates of violence. In his essay “A bad year for white whine: College Scholarships and the cult of Caucasian victimhood,” Tim Wise defends scholarships given on the bases of race, and his argument has some hold on this domestic violence question as well. Wise says that the “special” scholarships and opportunities are not given to people of color because they are people of color. A skin color or the concept of race does not qualify anyone for special merit or awards. But rather, these special scholarships are there “because to be a person of color has meant something in this country, and continues to mean something in terms of one’s access to full and equal opportunity” (Wise 2010). Because race has been the foundation of oppression, these scholarships (and one could even argue, affirmative action) are based on recognition of racism and how it shapes the opportunities that people of color have.

Specific cases of violence in communities of color are not conceptualized as reflecting individual behavior. Rather the entire racial group is stereotyped (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005). Many White Americans presume that other cultures are far more accepting of woman abuse than the United States culture—American mainstream society believes that female abuse is limited to minority communities (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005). To illustrate, consider the Bush Administration’s rhetoric on women’s rights after September 11^th. The rhetoric to use women’s rights as a framework to invade Afghanistan suggested that the feminist movement at home is done but “those” women who aren’t allowed to wear nail polish, and can’t attend schools, those are the women we need to help (Ferguson 2005). This appeal to the idea of the white man’s burden promotes superiority within the mainstream. The idea behind contributing violence to culture is to establish it as the problem of the “other.”

The privileged race, i.e. the White race, does not have to think about the their trauma in the context of race. If a White woman reports her White partner to the police for domestic violence, she does not have to worry about their issues sticking to the entire White population. But when a Black man attacks a Black woman, she has to cognitively deal with the guilt and fear that comes with considering the possibility of turning in her perpetrator. Because when she reports a case that involves a Black man, their issues stick to everyone else who is Black.

I leave this section in the hands of Almeida and Dolan-Delvecchio (1999) who argued against the biases that the Whites have of people from different cultures:

wife battering is not culture; dowries, wife burning, and female infanticide are not culture; the forced use of purdah or veiling for women are not culture; foot binding and the practice of concubines among the Chinese are not culture. These are traditional patriarchal customs that men have practiced, and women have accepted, for generations (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005:47).

Racism not Race: Intimate Partner Violence in Interracial Relationships

Studying intimate partner violence in interracial relationships can shed new light on the issue of race and domestic violence. A study conducted by Hattery and Smith results in a very intriguing finding: White and African American men are equally violent, but their rates of engaging in physical intimate partner violence are shaped by the race of their intimate partners. (2009). In order to understand this more, we must look at the data analyzed. Firstly, their data suggests that race does not shape the amount of IPV(Intimate Partner Violence)—25% of all men and women regardless of race either received or perpetrated IPV (Hattery and Smith 2009). What is dependent on race, however, is the type of physical violence perpetrated. The race of the victim is the determinant. African American women report substantially higher rates of near lethal violence than White women, even though there are fewer significant differences in the types of violence that the men of both races report perpetrating (Hattery and Smith 2009). In effect, the race of the victim is the indicator for the severity of IPV that is conducted in interracial relationships.

African American men perpetrate violence two to four times more when they are in interracial relationships than when they are in intraracial relationships whereas it is the reverse for White men; there is almost no instances of physical IPV reported in relationships between White men and African American women (Hattery and Smith 2009).

In America, masculinity is a socially constructed phenomenon based on three key concepts: breadwinning, sexual prowess, and physical strength (Hattery and Smith 2009). In a relationship of a White man and a Black woman, the White man has no need to assert masculinity over the Black woman. Their gendered roles are in line with their racial hierarchy: White man on top of the totem pole and Black woman at the bottom. When the relationship, however, is between a Black man and a White woman, the need to assert power and masculinity over the woman is crucial because the power roles are not in line anymore. The White woman because of her racial superiority in society is able to find and get better jobs than her Black partner (Hattery and Smith 2009). Furthermore, the image of Black women as aggressive, resilient, and immune to violence throws off the power structure in the relationship (Sokoloff and Dupont 2005). So the Black man needs to assert his masculinity on the White woman by inflicting violence.

“What is particularly interesting about the use of violence to create and reinforce power is that the batterer believes that his female partner is the cause of the power imbalance, when as sociologists we note that is the inequality regimes of patriarchy and racial superiority that create power and inequality in the first place” (Hattery and Smith, 2009:82). This is in line with the theme of this paper: racism not race. I can not emphasize enough that I am not trying to take blame away from individual perpetrators and lay it on society. Every individual perpetrator is responsible for the violence, abuse, and rape he/she administers. But overwhelming data and research says that racism is a significant factor in domestic violence and sexual abuse. You want to overpower those who you feel do not deserve the power they have over you. When society tells you that a man should be more powerful than a woman, but you are a Black man in a relationship where your White female partner can get a job and you can’t because of her race, you feel that power balance shifted. Thus, perhaps, you assert your masculinity through violence. It isn’t about race. It is about racism. It is about the social construction of power and oppression based on this concept of race. It is the differences in structural environments that actually drive the race/crime relationship (Benson et al. 2004).

Racism not Race: Re-victimization of the victim

The stories of rape, natural disasters, plane crashes, robberies, sexual abuse, etc. are not hidden from society; in fact, such traumatic events are what makes headlines. Human beings, however, have a tendency to disassociate themselves from such “impossibilities” hence explaining the infamous admission “I never thought it could happen to me.” We assume that bad things don’t just happen; they happen in accordance with certain principles which we are protected from under our “illusion of invulnerability” (Janoff-Bulman 1992). Research on trauma shows that the victim’s interpretation of the situations determine how they respond (McGuffey 2010). When the trauma is one inflicted on a Black woman by a Black man, the victim interprets how to respond to the trauma based on what she interprets her first priorities to be. Do I turn him in and let the “White folk” have another Black man to lock up, or do I stay silent?

When a woman is a Black rape victim in a society that is so distinctly marked by racism and racial hierarchies, she has to deal with the stigma that comes with being who society has said she is. Violence in the Black community has historically been depicted as a public act with lynching and police brutality being main examples (McGuffey 2010). Considering that these public acts are usually linked to Black males, then Black females take a back seat when it comes to representations in society as victims of violence. Now consider who the domestic violence or sexual assault models are in society. The mainstream feminist movement consists of white middle class women and till today, that image is vastly prevalent. This evidently means that Black women have no representation in society as victims of violence. On the contrary, we see them as overaggressive sexual beings.

Research suggests that Black survivors attempt to protect their communities through silence. Calling attention to a Black man’s crime would be considered traitorous and so the survivors are forced to suffer their trauma alone (McGuffey 2010). This is the process where racism leads to further trauma by re-victimizing the victim. She is already a woman. She is already Black. She has to deal with being raped. But now, because of covert and institutionalized racism, she also can’t prosecute the perpetrator, neither can she talk about her trauma. On the contrary, she almost has to live with the idea that she is protecting her rapist because of the larger struggle with race in our society. In fact, only when Black women are the victims of White men do Black organizations and politicians take notice (McGuffey 2010). The reason is voiced by Tamaria in her belief that Blacks as a community have to keep the rape and violence going on in the community on the low because then it keeps the Black culture clean and thus does not make Black folk look bad in front of the White folk (McGuffey 2010). Again, it is clear that the trauma doesn’t have to do with race itself. She is not saying that Black men are more likely to rape women or that they tend to rape women more and Black communities have to hide that fact from the White communities. What she is implying is the long history of racial tension between the two groups where Whites have a record of lynching, imprisoning, killing, and incarcerating Black men the first chance they get. This is not to mention that media and general societal structures re-enforce in the mainstream society’s mind that being Black is somehow being bad. The stereotypes, which by the way exist and are affirmed through racialized institutions, suggest that Black men do drugs, they don’t marry or settle, don’t do well in school, and essentially are the ‘other.’ So for a Black woman, her job may be to keep the community’s image from getting any more tainted. However, isn’t it ironic that Black men are imprisoned for minor drug violations because of the racism in the criminal justice system yet the men who are truly violent or are really rapists continue to inflict harm on society because Black women are scared of turning them in as not to further perpetuate the stereotypes and put even more Black men in prison?

Young Black women are also less likely to report abuse by Black men than by men of other races (McGuffey 2010). The Black community recognizes the unfairness of the criminal justice system. The silence of young Black women when it comes to abuse by Black men demonstrates the worry in the Black community about legally pressing charges against Black men knowing how they are treated in the criminal justice system with comparison to their White counterparts (McGuffey 2010).

Considering that this particular reason for silence does not transcend to the White victims, the inferences can be drawn that it is about race and that Black women do not want to turn in their perpetrators because they want to stay loyal to their race. Problem is, this is not a loyalty that would have formed had it not been for racism. Firstly, if not for racism, the race of “Black” would not have been created. But more than that, if every activity of a person of color was not immediately attached to the entire race, people of color would not have such strong loyalties to protect their race.

Racism not Race: Trauma

Dictionary.com defines trauma as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” Racism is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. To live in the United States as a marginalized community means going through deeply distressing and disturbing experiences on a daily basis. “Cultural Trauma occurs when members of a collectivity feel they have been subjected to a horrendous event that leaves inedible marks upon their group consciousness, marking their memories forever and changing their future identity in fundamental and irrevocable ways” (Alexander et al. 2004: 1). This theoretical concept defines the trauma suffered by the Black community in America; except there isn’t one horrendous event that has left this trauma but a series of horrendous events from slavery to the institutionalized racism of today.

So when an interpersonal trauma such as domestic violence or sexual assault occurs in a community already experiencing cultural trauma, trauma becomes more a social phenomenon than a personal phenomenon. When rules and pressures of a society based on racism inhibits women traumatized by violence from getting help, then the trauma is social. When people are allowed to question the American citizenship of the President of the United States of America and the lunatics’ “concerns” are actually given validity in the media (which, incidentally, would never happen was the President White), then we live in a nation that continuously makes trauma a social phenomenon and not a personal one. Because racism tells leads society to draw the conclusion that the legitimacy of the President is hardly what is being questioned in the above scenario. Rather, what is being brought under scrutiny is the citizenship of the Black population.

References

Janoff-Bulman, Ronnie 1992. “Trauma and the Terror of Our Own Fragility.” Chapter 3in    Shattered Assumptions: Toward a New Psychology of Trauma. New York: The Free Press

Bryant-Davis, Thema and Carlota Ocampo. 2005. “The Trauma of Racism.” The Counseling Psychologist 33(4): 574-578

Alexander, Jeffrey. 2004. “Toward a Theory of Cultural Trauma.” In Cultural Trauma and Collective Identity, edited by Jeffrey Alexander, Ron Eyerman, Bernhard Giesen, Neil Smelser, and Piotr Sztompka. Calfiornia: University of California Pres.

Potter, Hillary. 2007. “The Need for a Multi-Faceted Response to Intimate Partner Abuse Perpetuated by African Americans.” Criminology and Public Policy 6(2): 367-376

Sokoloff, Natalie and Ida Dupont. 2005. “Domestic Violence at the Intersections of Race, Class, and Gender: Challenges and Contributions to Understanding Violence Against Margianalized Women in Diverse Communities.” Violence Against Women 11(1):38-64

Benson, Michael, John Wooldredge, Amy Thistlethwaite, and Greer Litton Fox. 2004. “The Correlation between Race and Domestic Violence is Confounded with Community Context.” Social Problems 51(3): 326-342

Hotzman, Clare. 1996. “Counseling Adult Women Rape Survivors: Issues of Race, Ethnicity, and Class.” Women and Therapy 19(2): 47-62

McGuffey, C. Shawn. 2010. “Blacks and Racial Appraisals: Gender, Race, and Intra-racial Rape” In Black Sexualities: Probing Powers, Passions, Practices and Policies, edited by Juan Battle and Sandra Barnes. Rutgers University Press.

Ferguson, Michaele. 2005. ‘W’ Stands for Women: Feminism and Security Rhetoric in the Post-9/11 Bush Administration.” Politics and Gender 1(March): 1-31

McGruder, Kevin. 2010. “Pathologizing Black Sexuality: The U.S. Experience.” Pp. 101 – 118 in Black Sexualities: Probing Powers, Passions, Practices, and Policies. Edited by Juan Battle and Sandra Barnes.  New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers.

Tapia, Ruby, McCune Jeffrey, and Brody, Jennifer Devere. 2010. “Dangerous Profiling.” Pp 119-137 in Black Sexualities: Probing Powers, Passions, Practices, and Policies. Edited by Juan Battle and Sandra Barnes.  New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers.

Stephens, Torrance. 2010. “Prison, Crime, and Sexual Health in the United States” Pp 173-184 in Black Sexualities: Probing Powers, Passions, Practices, and Policies. Edited by Juan Battle and Sandra Barnes.  New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers.

Hattery, Angela and Earl Smith. 2009. “Race and Intimate Partner Violence: Violence in Interracial and Intraracial Relationships” Pp 67-85 in Interracial Relationships in the 21^st Century. Edited by Earl Smith and Angela J. Hattery.

Lee, Shayne. 2010. Erotic Revolutionaries: Black Women, Sexuality, and Popular Culture.

Wise, Tim 2011. “A Bad Year for White Whine: College Scholarship and the Cult of Caucasian Victimhood” Retrieved May 2011. http://www.timwise.org/2011/03/a-bad-year-for-white-whine-college-scholarships-and-the-cult-of-caucasian-victimhood/

Idiots are writing shit like “women walk around feeling entitled” Well, guess fucking what. I feel entitled to not get raped. I feel entitled to be able to walk down the street knowing that my body is mine and no one gets access to it without permission.

What pisses me off over all else is that people refuse to acknowledge that we actually live in a bloody rape culture. Our porn, which on average boys start watching at 11 years old, is centered on rape culture even though it doesn’t seem like it. It’s core is in the idea that a woman goes to have a breast exam and the perverted doctor fondles her and then puts his dick in her mouth and she enjoys it. Our music vidoes, our magazines (this glee one being a pretty recent example), our tv shows, our bloody everything centers around the objectification of women and the entitlement of men. Yet we mask it off and laugh it off and ignore its real world ramifications of perpetrators but rather write fucking articles on victim blaming.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html?ref=fb&src=sp

Since then, this article has taken twitter, facebook, and blogs by storm. And I’ve been hawking all these networks to see if someone would post up sentiments that I felt when reading it and surprisingly no one had. For the most part, much to my shock/chagrin, most people actually think this is truly a holy grail of advice.

Here is my biggest issue with the article: I think it is extremely sexist—especially towards feminist women. The kind of girl that is “hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor” Who does that speak to? So far, me–except granted she is targetting her article towards women in their mid to late 30s but still—While I definitely agree that finding a dress is a special, mystical, lovely task, I know I want to wear my mom’s wedding outfit for my wedding so you’ll never catch me on say-yes-to-the-dress and I think the Bachelor and all shows like it are just. plain. stuuuupid.

So now, a 36 year old who fits the above two points is about to find out why she isn’t married.

Reason 1: You’re a bitch. Okay Tracy, I can live with that. I can see how someone who is mean wouldn’t find anyone who wants to put up with her bitchiness. Except here is the kicker–Tracy defines a bitch as “you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart…But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men away. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. Here is what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men.”

Okay a) Really Tracy? We need to define “bitchiness” as being pissed at things like the military-industrial complex and Sarah Palin? I would judge you if you weren’t pissed off at the MI complex and how Sarah Palin has managed to be in the spotlight regardless of not knowing a single feasable thing relevant to life. So a woman who cares about issues in the world is a bitch now? Really?

b) Okay, so your 13 year old son now is the prototype of all males? When I was 13, I cared about Lizzie McGuire, lipgloss, and read novels of teenage angst. Have I changed in the 7 years since then? YES! I think Hilary Duff is a horrendous actress rather than worshipping the ground she walks on. Lipgloss has stopped being my think and my new obsession is lipstick. My novel selection has upgraded to reading NY times best sellers. More importantly though, whereas superficial things were number 1 on my priority list at 13, they are no where near my top 100 now. Life has changed, I have changed. So Tracy, if when your son is ready to be in a serious relationship if all he still cares about is mac and cheese, video games, and KK, you got a problem.

c) What makes you think I even WANT a man whose sole goal in life is to eat and watch sex tapes? If I’m a 36 year old woman angry at the injustices in the world, why would I settle for a good for nothing couch potatoe? Keep your son to yourself. Please. I beg you.

2. So second reason that Tracy states for why a woman isn’t married is that “You’re Shallow.” She goes on to say that you think you’re looking for a man of character but you’re really not, “Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit”

I’m sorry, but my definition of character is not a man who is willing to commit. This actually goes back to point one. I want a man who cares. That is my definition of a man with character. Someone who cares about the world issues, someone who puts their neck out for people, someone who is honest, trustworthy, patient, kind, funny, smart. That’s character. What the fuck kind of definition for character is “willing to commit”?!?!?!

3. Third reason, “you’re a slut.”

This just goes into a whole pandora’s box of other issues because I think the word “slut” in itself is a damn sexist term. But taking that aside, my libido is none of your damn business and neither is my sex life. I understand if by ‘you’re a slut’ she was trying to say that you partake in sexual acts too soon after meeting a guy you don’t like, but that’s not what she is saying at all! Tracy states that “past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin–” Mind. your. own. damn. business! Like I said already, unless your advice for me is that if I meet a substantial man maybe I should think twice before giving it up within a week, then fine. But if it is to tell me that having casual sex with men I have no intention of ever being with makes me slut then that’s not relationship advice. That’s you being judgemental about aspects of my life you have no business being judgemental about.

4. You’re a liar. Okay this one, I actually do agree with. If you continue having casually dating a man who isn’t ready for a relationship and you just silently hope and gossip to your closest girlfriends that you hope homeboy figures out you want to get married to him–shit ain’t gonna happen.

5. You’re Selfish.

So this section is RIDICULOUS! Basically, she says that if you’re not married, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about you. Nah bitch! I be spending my time thinking about that damn military industrial complex and Sarah Palin all my mothfckin time that I’m so gotdamn angry about 24/7! But okay fine, whatever. As a single woman, I do spend a lot of time thinking about me: what I’m doing with my life, how I’m getting where I’m going, etc. Great. So what is Tracy’s point? Well apparently, a halfway decent wife does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. Tracy suggests that single women adopt children because once you have children, you’ll stop thinking so much of yourself and men around the world will somehow sense that you’ve become less “selfish” and a husband will come flocking your way.

If you can’t see the dysfunctionality of that argument right off the back, please slap yourself. Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! Your definition of selfish is someone who thinks of their “naso-labial folds” and “careers” and “thighs”?! That. is. EVERYONE! Everyone thinks of their flaws and their futures, their dreams an their goals! That isn’t selfish–that’s human nature! Selfish is when you walk around writing articles calling women who care about issues in the world “bitches.” Get your definitions straight.

6. You’re not good enough:

a. I agree with her when she says that a woman needs to accept herself for who she is and recognize her worth because if you don’t love yourself, your partner isn’t going to “love you enough for the both of you” or “fix” you somehow.

b. The ending is where you just have a huge. ass. sexism. overload! She says that marriage is not about getting anything, it’s about giving and men understand this better than women because they sacrifice something oh-so-important to them aka. “a free-agent penis” REALLY?! REALLY NOW?! SERIOUSLY?!

The woman you just called “a slut” a couple of points ago is also giving up her free agent vagina ain’t she?! Her having casual sex made her a slut. But for a man to give up his free-agent penis makes him some sort of marriage hero? A woman, according to Tracy, has to “give up the idea that marriage will make you happy. After the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.”

See, I hate when married people try to do this. They bash all over single people’s dreams like “oh marriage sucks. You want to get married, it’s nothing but misery”

Shut. the. fuck. up!

First of all, hubby dear can do his own damn laundry because I hate doing even my laundry so what makes him think I’ll do his? And if I do his laundry, then that means that for the week, he’s washing dishes or some sort of semi equal fair trade. Secondly, after marriage you’re not just you with a fucking bigger laundry basket! You’re you with a life partner! You’re you with a best friend that lives with you! If it is an understanding, loving marriage then you’re you with constantly having someone who loves you there to talk things through, to laugh with, to love! It’s you being the best you can be knowing someone has your back 24/7. It’s you in a give/take relationship where you don’t keep track of what you give and what you take but rather you just love.

Tracy ends with:

“The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.”

I’m not making up my mind to transform myself into anyfuckingbody. I actually happen to think I’m quite kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and accepting of myself just as I am thank you. (PS. Isn’t it ironic that ‘transform’ and ‘accepting’ are used in the same sentence?) Love isn’t transforming yourself into anything–it’s about compromise. In this article, I saw no mention of the man ever ‘transforming’ into anything. I, as a woman, am supposed to be perfectly accepting of his farting, mac and cheese eating, messy self yet he can’t take my anger at the fact that Sarah Palin’s book which she probably did not write herself is a national best seller whereas real life, smart writers die every year trying to get their legitimate books published?!

I’m not a Kim Kardashian clone—It was never anything on my prayer list, but now I’m going to make it my top priority to thank God every chance I get that I’m not Kim Kardashian.

I hate how much positive feedback this article is getting because it is oozing sexism. Yes she has essential, overall good points—love yourself, be virtuous, kind, truthful, blah blah blah—but she doesn’t mean what you think she means by these overarching terms. This is one helluva sick article and it appalls me that people are failing to recognize that.

As a side note, when I commented on the link that my cousin put up of this article, she said something along the lines of “do keep in mind that this article is not something younuns like you could relate to” Yeah okay..so I’m not in my 30′s yet. I can still spot sexism and bullshit advice when I see it. My age has nothing to do with my intellect or my wisdom so no I’m not the target age of her article, but I still say that this was one of the most infuriating “advice” articles I’ve read in a while.