Behind the sad stories, there is unmeasurable beauty

I can not recommend Sarmand Tariq’s talk from TEDxKarachi enough! If you haven’t seen it yet, please watch it. It is so honest, so full of warm humor. It expresses a wisdom that only comes from seeing life from the flip side; it inspires you and it makes you recognize the ‘possibilities’ of life. Here is the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6dHJWfQjw8

I have blogged about my sister before,  but not quite in detail. Her name is Maryam and she is going to be 18 years old next month. She was born with Celebral Palsy, epilepsy, and a severe handicap. She can neither walk, nor can she talk, or sit up by herself, or move by herself. Before I go on, I want to reiterate a sentiment that was expressed in Little Bee: Sad words are another beauty. It sounds horrible when you read all this without ever having gotten to know Maryam. It sounds horrible that there is an 18 year old girl out there who can not walk, talk, sit, stand, eat by herself, go to bed by herself, or use the bathroom by herself.

The handicaps are all people see when they meet her. The Pakistani aunties tsk tsk at the fact that she will never get married.  People see her, sigh really loud, and say “Allah rahem karay” or “Bus Allah baksh de.” Sometimes, I wonder exactly who they are asking Allah to “baksh” but all that is a story for another day. Point is, people see her and from their faces, their expressions, their words, one would swear they have gone into the deepest darkest depression just by seeing her. Like she is the bringer of sadness in their lives and her mere presence has managed to suck the happiness out of their lives.

But she is not sadness. She is beauty. Tariq talks about how it takes him 3 hours and two people to get out of the bed in the morning. So people ask him, what is the point? What is a point of such an existence? People indirectly question my sister’s existence when they meet her too. She can’t tell anyone when she is in pain. She can’t ask for food when she is hungry. She can’t get up and walk out of the house to get air. She can’t do the simplest things that we never think twice about being able to do. But there is a point.

The point isn’t finish lines or goals. Tariq will probably never be a heavy weight boxing champion like he dreamed. But he did become the first Pakistani to participate in an NYC marathon. He did become the person to bring inspiration and hope to so many. He did prove that perseverance and determination has a place in life. He is an example of the possibilities of life–some good, some bad.

Maryam is something similar. No, she will never reach the finish line of getting married and having kids which most aunties who meet her seem to think is a girl’s finish line. She is so, so, so, so beautiful that she would have eaten all the boys’ hearts out and left these same aunties gasping for breath had she been “normal.”

Tariq talks about not having any regrets. People look at me as if I’m insane when I say the same. I have no regrets for how Maryam is. She actually wasn’t genetically born with Celebral Palsy. The gynecologist at CMH Multan forced labor merely two hours after my mom’s water broke without monitoring the baby’s vitals or stress level. Her condition is, as far as anyone knows, the fault of the doctor. Have I found it in my heart to forgive the doctor? No, not yet. It maddens me that she is still a doctor in Multan, living life with her children her husband (I’m speculating–I know nothing about her personal life) while she took my sister’s future away from her. I haven’t forgiven her yet, but I’m trying my best to move towards forgiveness.

But although I’m mad, I have no regrets. Having Maryam in my life has taught me so much about love, beauty, courage, laughter. It has taught me that a person can convey so much through just a smile, a laugh, a cry, or just a look. It has brought into perspective the idea that “love is patient.” I wish my mom was alive to see who Maryam has grown up to be. No she hasn’t changed the world and neither will she probably ever. But she has changed my world. She is such a beautiful little girl who is so intelligent, so kind. When she senses that someone is feeling sick or sad, she’ll learn over from her wheelchair and clumsily pat their head. Where did she learn to do that? Does she even know what that means? I don’t know. But in her own way, she wants to make you feel better when you are down.

Most people don’t think twice about having a sister. It’s normal. It’s annoying. It’s life. But for me, it is such a miracle that people have sisters who they can share clothes with, who they can gossip with, who they can fight with. So when Tariq says that we must remember that we have blessings in our lives that others will never have–I know what he means. But I also know what he means about no regrets.

On the surface, many things look beautiful but on the inside, they are empty. On the other hand, many stories seem so sad. A guy jumps in a pool and is paralyzed for the rest of his life. Yes–that is extremely sad. He glossed over the details in his 20 something minute talk, but I can imagine how frustrating life must seem sometimes. But behind the sadness, there is beauty. There is courage. There is inspiration.

I wish people met Maryam with a smile on their faces and a desire to get to know her, instead of shaking their heads and talking about Allah’s wrath. Yeah, life sucks. But behind all the suckiness, there is also love, hope, and faith.

Live beyond the finish line. And defy all odds. And smile while you’re doing it.