Why are you not married?

The other day, a cousin of mine posted a link to this gem of an article (read: sarcasm):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html?ref=fb&src=sp

Since then, this article has taken twitter, facebook, and blogs by storm. And I’ve been hawking all these networks to see if someone would post up sentiments that I felt when reading it and surprisingly no one had. For the most part, much to my shock/chagrin, most people actually think this is truly a holy grail of advice.

Here is my biggest issue with the article: I think it is extremely sexist—especially towards feminist women. The kind of girl that is “hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor” Who does that speak to? So far, me–except granted she is targetting her article towards women in their mid to late 30s but still—While I definitely agree that finding a dress is a special, mystical, lovely task, I know I want to wear my mom’s wedding outfit for my wedding so you’ll never catch me on say-yes-to-the-dress and I think the Bachelor and all shows like it are just. plain. stuuuupid.

So now, a 36 year old who fits the above two points is about to find out why she isn’t married.

Reason 1: You’re a bitch. Okay Tracy, I can live with that. I can see how someone who is mean wouldn’t find anyone who wants to put up with her bitchiness. Except here is the kicker–Tracy defines a bitch as “you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart…But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men away. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. Here is what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men.”

Okay a) Really Tracy? We need to define “bitchiness” as being pissed at things like the military-industrial complex and Sarah Palin? I would judge you if you weren’t pissed off at the MI complex and how Sarah Palin has managed to be in the spotlight regardless of not knowing a single feasable thing relevant to life. So a woman who cares about issues in the world is a bitch now? Really?

b) Okay, so your 13 year old son now is the prototype of all males? When I was 13, I cared about Lizzie McGuire, lipgloss, and read novels of teenage angst. Have I changed in the 7 years since then? YES! I think Hilary Duff is a horrendous actress rather than worshipping the ground she walks on. Lipgloss has stopped being my think and my new obsession is lipstick. My novel selection has upgraded to reading NY times best sellers. More importantly though, whereas superficial things were number 1 on my priority list at 13, they are no where near my top 100 now. Life has changed, I have changed. So Tracy, if when your son is ready to be in a serious relationship if all he still cares about is mac and cheese, video games, and KK, you got a problem.

c) What makes you think I even WANT a man whose sole goal in life is to eat and watch sex tapes? If I’m a 36 year old woman angry at the injustices in the world, why would I settle for a good for nothing couch potatoe? Keep your son to yourself. Please. I beg you.

2. So second reason that Tracy states for why a woman isn’t married is that “You’re Shallow.” She goes on to say that you think you’re looking for a man of character but you’re really not, “Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit”

I’m sorry, but my definition of character is not a man who is willing to commit. This actually goes back to point one. I want a man who cares. That is my definition of a man with character. Someone who cares about the world issues, someone who puts their neck out for people, someone who is honest, trustworthy, patient, kind, funny, smart. That’s character. What the fuck kind of definition for character is “willing to commit”?!?!?!

3. Third reason, “you’re a slut.”

This just goes into a whole pandora’s box of other issues because I think the word “slut” in itself is a damn sexist term. But taking that aside, my libido is none of your damn business and neither is my sex life. I understand if by ‘you’re a slut’ she was trying to say that you partake in sexual acts too soon after meeting a guy you don’t like, but that’s not what she is saying at all! Tracy states that “past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin–” Mind. your. own. damn. business! Like I said already, unless your advice for me is that if I meet a substantial man maybe I should think twice before giving it up within a week, then fine. But if it is to tell me that having casual sex with men I have no intention of ever being with makes me slut then that’s not relationship advice. That’s you being judgemental about aspects of my life you have no business being judgemental about.

4. You’re a liar. Okay this one, I actually do agree with. If you continue having casually dating a man who isn’t ready for a relationship and you just silently hope and gossip to your closest girlfriends that you hope homeboy figures out you want to get married to him–shit ain’t gonna happen.

5. You’re Selfish.

So this section is RIDICULOUS! Basically, she says that if you’re not married, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about you. Nah bitch! I be spending my time thinking about that damn military industrial complex and Sarah Palin all my mothfckin time that I’m so gotdamn angry about 24/7! But okay fine, whatever. As a single woman, I do spend a lot of time thinking about me: what I’m doing with my life, how I’m getting where I’m going, etc. Great. So what is Tracy’s point? Well apparently, a halfway decent wife does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. Tracy suggests that single women adopt children because once you have children, you’ll stop thinking so much of yourself and men around the world will somehow sense that you’ve become less “selfish” and a husband will come flocking your way.

If you can’t see the dysfunctionality of that argument right off the back, please slap yourself. Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! Your definition of selfish is someone who thinks of their “naso-labial folds” and “careers” and “thighs”?! That. is. EVERYONE! Everyone thinks of their flaws and their futures, their dreams an their goals! That isn’t selfish–that’s human nature! Selfish is when you walk around writing articles calling women who care about issues in the world “bitches.” Get your definitions straight.

6. You’re not good enough:

a. I agree with her when she says that a woman needs to accept herself for who she is and recognize her worth because if you don’t love yourself, your partner isn’t going to “love you enough for the both of you” or “fix” you somehow.

b. The ending is where you just have a huge. ass. sexism. overload! She says that marriage is not about getting anything, it’s about giving and men understand this better than women because they sacrifice something oh-so-important to them aka. “a free-agent penis” REALLY?! REALLY NOW?! SERIOUSLY?!

The woman you just called “a slut” a couple of points ago is also giving up her free agent vagina ain’t she?! Her having casual sex made her a slut. But for a man to give up his free-agent penis makes him some sort of marriage hero? A woman, according to Tracy, has to “give up the idea that marriage will make you happy. After the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.”

See, I hate when married people try to do this. They bash all over single people’s dreams like “oh marriage sucks. You want to get married, it’s nothing but misery”

Shut. the. fuck. up!

First of all, hubby dear can do his own damn laundry because I hate doing even my laundry so what makes him think I’ll do his? And if I do his laundry, then that means that for the week, he’s washing dishes or some sort of semi equal fair trade. Secondly, after marriage you’re not just you with a fucking bigger laundry basket! You’re you with a life partner! You’re you with a best friend that lives with you! If it is an understanding, loving marriage then you’re you with constantly having someone who loves you there to talk things through, to laugh with, to love! It’s you being the best you can be knowing someone has your back 24/7. It’s you in a give/take relationship where you don’t keep track of what you give and what you take but rather you just love.

Tracy ends with:

“The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.”

I’m not making up my mind to transform myself into anyfuckingbody. I actually happen to think I’m quite kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and accepting of myself just as I am thank you. (PS. Isn’t it ironic that ‘transform’ and ‘accepting’ are used in the same sentence?) Love isn’t transforming yourself into anything–it’s about compromise. In this article, I saw no mention of the man ever ‘transforming’ into anything. I, as a woman, am supposed to be perfectly accepting of his farting, mac and cheese eating, messy self yet he can’t take my anger at the fact that Sarah Palin’s book which she probably did not write herself is a national best seller whereas real life, smart writers die every year trying to get their legitimate books published?!

I’m not a Kim Kardashian clone—It was never anything on my prayer list, but now I’m going to make it my top priority to thank God every chance I get that I’m not Kim Kardashian.

I hate how much positive feedback this article is getting because it is oozing sexism. Yes she has essential, overall good points—love yourself, be virtuous, kind, truthful, blah blah blah—but she doesn’t mean what you think she means by these overarching terms. This is one helluva sick article and it appalls me that people are failing to recognize that.

As a side note, when I commented on the link that my cousin put up of this article, she said something along the lines of “do keep in mind that this article is not something younuns like you could relate to” Yeah okay..so I’m not in my 30′s yet. I can still spot sexism and bullshit advice when I see it. My age has nothing to do with my intellect or my wisdom so no I’m not the target age of her article, but I still say that this was one of the most infuriating “advice” articles I’ve read in a while.